Yes, I have been drinking
I don't care.
No, really... I don't.
Not caring is what I do, and I normally do it quite well. I've found that I can turn off my emotions if need be, covering myself in a cozy layer of apathy and indifference that keeps me safe. I've been doing it for years because, lets face it, one can only get hurt so much before they start to really just not care. I don't form new attachments easily. I keep the new people I met as arms length. If I do that, there's less of a chance I'll get close enough to care when they leave. Above all, I do NOT open up to people, not easily. I either have to have had a lot to drink, or trust you as if you were my other self, both of which I don't do often.
No, I haven't had a very hard life. Compared to other people I know, I've had a pretty good one.... but I always get too attached too fast, and that just leads to pain. I know it's a flaw, but everyone has their defense mechanisms, mine just happens to be cutting people off in a very efficient way.
Is it worth is? In the short term, is might be. I think that I'm keeping myself from getting hurt, so I see it as a positive. In the long term, no, all I'm doing it hurting myself by not getting to know people that I could have as friends or something more for years to come. Can I stop now that I see my problem? Let me put it this way.... remember when you were little, and you bit your nails and wouldn't stop, so your mom put mittens on your hands? Or, better yet, trying not to scratch while you had the chicken pox? Yeah, it's be like that. I've been doing it for so many years that it's become a part of what I do.
Now, normally, I just wouldn't think about what I do, going about my daily activities and keeping everyone just a little bit away. However, I met someone, and this someone had made me think... a lot. Don't ask me how it works, but it just does, and I see it as a good thing. I need to think, it keeps me going after new things and bringing them, unlike people, into my life.
The first step to dealing with a problem you have is confronting it and seeing that you really DO have a problem. Thanks to whatever the frilly dickens I'm drinking, and the wonderful person I've met, I think I got that first part down. All I have to do now is try and unlearn about 5 years of behavior, which will be fun......
Oh, and to the person I met.... stop being so bloody charming. *shakes a fist at you*
posted by Mandolin @ 10/17/2006 12:50:00 AM
2 comments
2 Comments:
Isn't life awesome like that?! I used to do the same thing you do - hold people far away from me so they wouldn't end up hurting me. But I watched too many amazing people slip out of my life because the effort they were putting into getting to know me wasn't being returned. I finally realized that my attempt to not get hurt was, in reality, hurting me by cheating myself out of potentially amazing friendships & relationship with great people.
I'm sort of in a similar situation right now I think...from the little you've told in this post. I'm seeing someone I really enjoy. He makes me feel important & beautiful & funny & sexy & makes me believe all of the things I want to believe about who I am. But things could get really complicated. He may be moving back to England in a few months (June is the longest he'll be here). And we work together, so things could be a little sticky if things go bad & we still have to see each other & work as closely as we do.
So am I ready for that? Am I ready for things to be that complicated? Am I ready for the potential badness that might come?
Yeah, I am. At this point in my life, I'm willing to take that risk if there's a possibility that I'll get to know this amazing person in the process. It's possible that I might get hurt, but it's possible that things may not turn bad either. All I'm saying is this: sometimes you have to take a risk & put your heart out there in order to experience the best things in this life. As far as I'm concerned, whatever pain may or may not come later on is worth experiencing & feeling what I am right now with this amazing person I've managed to spend so much time with lately.
Good luck!
Hehehehe... You know? It happens. Sometimes you try to keep everyone at a distance in order to protect yourself... but there is always someone who has the right key to open you, if you hadn't managed to open yourself before.
Just take a step at a time, take your time to know this person, open yourself as you know them... and you will learn to overcome your defense mechanism.
Good luck!
~ Daniel
Somewhere over the Bubble...
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