Grief

Generally with the loss of a loved one, there are five stages of griving one goes through.


1. Denial – The "No, not me" stage.

2.Anger/Resentment – The "Why me?" stage.

3. Bargaining – The "If I do this, you’ll do that" stage.

4. Depression- The "It's really happened" stage.

5. Acceptance – The "This is what happened" stage.


I keep bouncing back between 2 and 4, generally one leads to the other. Now, in the books and in various forms of entertainment, they make it seem as is it's a simple progression from one to the next. Denial leads to Anger, Anger leads to Bargaining, Bargaining leads to Depression, Depression leads to Acceptance, Acceptance leads to the Dark Side.... and so on and so forth.

In actuality, one can bounce between the stages for weeks, months, or even years depending on how severe the loss was.

With me I'm not sure which one it'll be. See, I'm dealing with the loss of two people.

The first is the gent from my romantic relationship, Yes, I know I gone over it before... but allow me to explain. When I enter a relationship I tend to be very careful since I've been hurt a lot before. In this case, once my defences had been broken down I was gone so fast I couldn't even blink, even though I knew I would end up getting hurt. This is where I get my depression from. I was so sure he'd be around... so sure I'd found someone who cared for me... and I got let down, again, and ended up with a broken heart, again.

The second is the gent I had a friendship with. Yes, they are the same guy, but we said we'd be friends no matter what happened. I kept up my side of things, but one day he just stopped talking to me. No calls, no emails, no IM's.... nothing. Now I'm already dealing with a broken heart, but on top of it I suddenly lost a guy who said he'd always be there for me, even if it WAS just as a friend. That's what we started out as, that's how we should end if, if it was to end. This is where the anger comes from. Only, with this it's less of a "Why me" and more of a "Why did he do this to me".

I understand he has things to work on that are more important right now, but he didn't even say goodbye......

I know now I'm never going to see him again. No matter how much I wish it, I know better. It hurts to lose him, both as a friend and as something more. The last serious relationship I had it took me a good year to even think of the guy without getting all mopey, and I didn't feel about that last guy as I do now.

When I get through the five stages, I won't be going through it with a romantic relationship again. Last time I got dumped (I'm always the dumpie), I said it'd take someone really special who could sweep me off my feet to get me into a relationship again. Well, he did... and I paid for it.

So at the end of it all, I lost someone who started out as a friend and became something more... and left me altogether without a word. I want to get through the stages quickly so I can move on. It does no good to dwell on what I can't have, or rather on what won't have me.

Maybe I just wasn't good enough.



(this post brought to you by the Society of Closet Emos)