Weekly Musings #3

Why is it that after a scary movie, odd things happen.
(like, say... the door to the bathroom slowly opening as I stand in the shower with a razor in hand and think "Hey, that's a bloody little knick there".)

Or is it just that we notice them more?

Placebo

So as of yesterday I have officially moved back into my parents house. It's not too bad so far, though I did wake up with a tiny cat all up in my face... and trying to chew on my nose and fingers..... Turned in my keys for the apartment after work today, that part was really hard.

I think one of the worst parts of leaving was erasing the messages in my mailbox on the home phone. There were two I saved from back in November, he left them for me when I was going through a really tough time. I listened to them both a few timed before I deleted them. It feels like I'm losing the memories of everything we had, even just the talking. Those messages were the last recordings of his voice... and now, like everything else, they're gone.

Anyway, most of my stuff is still in boxes, and I think that's where a lot of it will stay. I see no reason to unpack all of my kitchen stuff since I'm not going to be using it. My books, art, music... all the important things will come out, but I think about half of the boxes will stay put.

My mom's really happy to have another female in the house to talk too, and I'll admit that it's kinda nice to have a yard again. However, the longer drive to work is a pain in the arse, but I'll deal. I do miss my quiet already... there's a lot of living things at my parents. Pets, other people, more pets...

I do feel a bit like I've lost a lot of freedom. I mean, it's not like I go out all the time, but I had the option too if I wanted. Now I feel like I'll be watched and questioned all the time if I go away for a weekend or don't come home at night.

Ah well... there's always an adjustment period. I just hope this one goes smoothly.

Cottonwood Spring

They say that if you catch a cottonwood seed, you should make a wish. It's almost like wishing on a shooting star. Something rare.... something special.

Where I come from, cottonwood seeds float on air like heavy snow does in winter. They swirl and dance about like little white faeries, taunting you with their flighty ease. You'll be standing outside on a warm spring day and one will brush your cheek or arm in a soft 'hello'.. the sway off on it's merry way to goodness knows where.

It's amazing to watch them fly. Three or four mature trees close to each other can make it seem like you're almost in the middle of a blizzard. Birdsong in the background... nesting Orioles calling to each other, the wet rush of the Maumee rivers water over well battered stones as sunlight sneaks through the green canopy overhead.... it's almost like a private paradise.

Catching the cottonwood seeds is a real trick. They're so light that the slightest whiff of air will send the spinning. Kids always grab at the little seeds as the meander on the currents of air. They never catch them though. They're too eager, trying too hard and missing... and yet they try again and again, missing till they find something more interesting to do.

If you really want to catch a cottonwood seed, all you have to do is wait. They'll come in their own time, floating about your head in a 'you can't catch me' manner. Be patient, hold out a hand just so when you see one close enough. Don't make any sudden moves, you'll push it away with the air your hand makes. Watch it float into your hand and close your fingers gently.... then open.

Make a wish.

Blow softly and let it go.



I've caught enough seeds this year, made more then enough wishes.... of course, none have them have come true. Neither have the ones from last year, but that doesn't bother me a bit.

All I can do is learn. Work at everything as I did at catching the cottonwood. Be patient, be calm, and know that good things come to those who wait. I need to stop rushing like kids going after flights of fancy... because, at some point, it'll float my way... and all I have to do is hold onto it.

I have nothing witty to say....

Today was the first time he and I talked....

I can't get him out of my head.

Not that that's very different from any other day, but I actually remembered an important date in a relationship. Crap, with Steve I couldn't even remember when we started dating...... so remembering the first day I talked with someone is really unusual.

Add to that all the talk of weddings and long relationships that's been floating around lately. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy for those people in aid relationships. After all, everyone deserves a chance to BE happy.

It just reminds me of what I don't have.

Post 6/11

Ok, so the birthday went pretty well.

Got up around 10, had breakfast (which I never ever have), did some stuff around the apartment that didn't involve packing, and then went shopping.

Now, the original intention of going shopping was to try and find a dress for Shannon's wedding in July. Since the only dresses I have are black, I figured I should at least TRY and get one that's a little more colorful for the occasion (even though Shannon said I could wear black, cause she knows it's my favorite color).

The dress shopping did not go well at all... however I did end up getting a few new shirts, one of which is white. Dress shopping however, will commence next week.

After shopping I went to the rents to have my birthday dinner. Hung out for a few hours, talked about what we were going to do for when I move back in..... then I went to the store, got a bottle of Boone's Farm (the peach one) and drank it before going to bed.

All in all, I'd say it was a good night. One of the better birthdays I've had in the past few years. I gotta say, the 12 months between the b-days were some of the most interesting I've ever had.

I'm still thinking of moving to cali though..... ;)

That time of year again....

Yup yup, that'd be birthday time.

My birthday.

The big 2-4.

So far there has been sleepng in and breakfast, with plans made to go visit the rents later. Oh, and there will be packing as well.....

It should be a blast!

Get it???

[

I almost peed myself laughing when I saw that.

Soooooooo funny... in a very twisted way ;)

Life Lessons

Well, it's official.... I have to move back in with my parents. Can you tell that I'm thrilled?

It's not that I don't like my family, I love them.... but I need my own space. I need room to have my stuff where I want it, and to be able to do things on my own time, and without worrying what people in the house will think.

I first moved out when I was 19. Maggie and I had a small place together, and it rocked. After about a year of living there, I got fired from a job for a shit reason and had to move back home. I told myself that would never happen again. The next time i moved out, I made sure I had a good job and a roommate I thought I could count on. I even had a budget and everything!

I had to buy a new car back in March, and that set me back a bit... but I'm still in an ok spot. I could have done another year at the apartment I'm in now, just not on my own.

It's not that apartments in Toledo are all that expensive, it's just that the ones in the areas that I (as a single white female) find safe are too much. Heck, even some of the ones in the less then safe areas are too much.

So, needless to say, I'm not in a good spot right now. I hate losing the freedom I've gained lately. I hate the fact that I keep moving backwards in life and no matter what I do, things don't get better. Or, if they do get better, it's followed by a huge letdown.

In the past six months I've lost my first (and best ever) car, the only man I'd even seen the possibility of a future with, a promotion for a job which I deserved, a few things I'm not willing to talk about (but which are, nonetheless, important), and now my freedom and independence.

Next week is my birthday.... I'll be 24.

Is 25 even going to be worth it?

Face Down

"Face down in the dirt she says, this doesn't hurt she says I finally had enough.."

I remember seeing them when they were an opening band for 30 Seconds to Mars

It feels like that was ages ago.

Weekly Musings #2

Just what do guys mean when they say "Let's just be friends"?