Stage 5

It was me.

I was so happy and excited that I did a few things I should have kept quiet. I pushed a little when I shouldn't have.

Had I been quiet, it might have lasted longer... might have gone differently.

I can't do anything about it now, it's far to late for that. I know that in the end, I was a good friend. I did what I always do with friends, give my honest opinion because all I want for them is to be happy.

This, Ladies and Gentlemen, brings up to Stage 5 of the grieving process. It just happened one day. I think it was yesterday after I got home from a little trip...... mmmmmm, fun trip.

Anyway, I can't wait around. He's doing his thing and that doesn't include me anymore. Fine. I'm off and back to being me.

MCR

I do NOT like him as a blonde....

The song is good though ;)

Finally....

It's over now, as in officially.

I'd been hanging on for the past few months, just hoping he'd change his mind.

He didn't.

One the one hand I want to say 'good man!' for doing what he did and why... on the other I want to rip his heart out of his chest and make him eat it so he has an idea of how I felt.

I suppose I should start to move on now, that is what he wanted me to do. The question is after what we had, do I really want to?

Bang Bang

*le sighs*

BotV

I'll admit it, I can sometimes be a shameless whore when it comes to my games :P

Click the banner, sign up, and make my happy!

Please?

Just this once????

I neeeed the happy.......

Pictures of you...

I was cleaning out my computer a bit today. In the middle of going through some old files, I found all my pictures of him. What I felt when I saw them was something I'd never had before. I felt dizzy, like the chair under me would just roll away and leave me on the floor. I cried a little, as I am prone to do these days, and waited for the feeling to subside.




I deleted all the pictures.





Then I went and got sick.





I'm tired again. Have to be up at 7, doing a wedding in the Manor House. What a better way to start the day then to help a happy couple have a wondeful wedding???

I have a feeling tomorrow is going to suck.

Grief

Generally with the loss of a loved one, there are five stages of griving one goes through.


1. Denial – The "No, not me" stage.

2.Anger/Resentment – The "Why me?" stage.

3. Bargaining – The "If I do this, you’ll do that" stage.

4. Depression- The "It's really happened" stage.

5. Acceptance – The "This is what happened" stage.


I keep bouncing back between 2 and 4, generally one leads to the other. Now, in the books and in various forms of entertainment, they make it seem as is it's a simple progression from one to the next. Denial leads to Anger, Anger leads to Bargaining, Bargaining leads to Depression, Depression leads to Acceptance, Acceptance leads to the Dark Side.... and so on and so forth.

In actuality, one can bounce between the stages for weeks, months, or even years depending on how severe the loss was.

With me I'm not sure which one it'll be. See, I'm dealing with the loss of two people.

The first is the gent from my romantic relationship, Yes, I know I gone over it before... but allow me to explain. When I enter a relationship I tend to be very careful since I've been hurt a lot before. In this case, once my defences had been broken down I was gone so fast I couldn't even blink, even though I knew I would end up getting hurt. This is where I get my depression from. I was so sure he'd be around... so sure I'd found someone who cared for me... and I got let down, again, and ended up with a broken heart, again.

The second is the gent I had a friendship with. Yes, they are the same guy, but we said we'd be friends no matter what happened. I kept up my side of things, but one day he just stopped talking to me. No calls, no emails, no IM's.... nothing. Now I'm already dealing with a broken heart, but on top of it I suddenly lost a guy who said he'd always be there for me, even if it WAS just as a friend. That's what we started out as, that's how we should end if, if it was to end. This is where the anger comes from. Only, with this it's less of a "Why me" and more of a "Why did he do this to me".

I understand he has things to work on that are more important right now, but he didn't even say goodbye......

I know now I'm never going to see him again. No matter how much I wish it, I know better. It hurts to lose him, both as a friend and as something more. The last serious relationship I had it took me a good year to even think of the guy without getting all mopey, and I didn't feel about that last guy as I do now.

When I get through the five stages, I won't be going through it with a romantic relationship again. Last time I got dumped (I'm always the dumpie), I said it'd take someone really special who could sweep me off my feet to get me into a relationship again. Well, he did... and I paid for it.

So at the end of it all, I lost someone who started out as a friend and became something more... and left me altogether without a word. I want to get through the stages quickly so I can move on. It does no good to dwell on what I can't have, or rather on what won't have me.

Maybe I just wasn't good enough.



(this post brought to you by the Society of Closet Emos)

Musical Interlude IV

It's from the wrong perspective, but it still rings true.

I tried

I tried to be that girl again, the one he fell in love with. I tried to be my old self, laughing and smiling whenever I could, just because I could. I tried not to think about everything that may or may not happen now... I really did try to be the girl he fell in love with.

I can't be her now. I can't be me.

I can't smile when I feel like I'm falling apart. Sure I may be almost like myself when I'm with other people, but I'm quiter. I don't talk about myself, I don't talk about the future. I can't. Seeing a couple kiss almost send me into tears.

I'm trying to get over him, but I don't think my body wants to. The fact that he won't talk to me at all hurts more then the end of our romantic relationship did.

I'm tired of caring, I'm tired of not being able to sleep well in my own damn bed because I keep thinking of him.

I'm just tired...

Musical Interlude III

I always liked Willow.

Of course, K's Choice rocks too.

Musical Interlude II

Did you ever torment yourself by going over something in your head so many times until all you wanted to do was scream till you stopped feeling?

Musical Interlude

Right now words can do no justice to my emotions.

So, once again, I'll use my fallback of music. It's always been able to express me far better then I can.


Once I can sing this song without crying, I think I'll finally be ok.

Best weekend EV... oh wait... wrong weekend

So this weekend was a first... and not a very good one. See, I had my first ever allergic reaction, and it was a pretty nasty one. It started out on Friday with my being just a little blotchy. I wasn't worried... blotchy happens sometimes. So I went about my day and ended up in bed as usual.

Woke up Saturday and a little bit of my face was red and a bit puffy around the eyes, kinda like I'd been sleeping on it in a funny way. Again, no biggie.... slap on some make-up and scoot off to work. Have dinner, go to bed... yada, yada, yada....

Sunday I get up and know something is wrong right away. Head right over to the bathroom and see that almost all of my face has a red rash and a lot of it is swollen... as in swollen to the point where I can't fully open my eyes, but I can still see.

Now, being the kind of person I am, I get a shower and head to work. Why did I do that? Because I was the one opening up the house. First thing I do when I have the house light on is call around to see if I can get someone to cover the rest of my shift.

Erin came in at noon and was wonderful enough to offer to go get me some Benadryl from the gas station at the corner, but she had the ranger come take a look at me while she was gone. The ranger thought I needed to go to the ER..... Yeah, THAT was a good sign.

Anyway, Erin got back and I popped two benadryl and got someone to come in for me. Once all the work stuff was covered, I headed over to my parents house. Why go there and not the ER if it was so bad? Well, my mom is a nurse for starters.

I took about 5 homeopathic remedies and drank a lot of water before falling asleep on the couch for about an hour. when I got up the swelling had gone down a bit, but I was still really red and I itched...a LOT.

So here it is Monday and I'm doing much better. Between the drugs, homeopathics, and water the swelling is almost gone and so is the redness. I'm heading to the Doc's tomorrow to see if there's anything else I can do to figure out what happened.

Sad thing is, the day it started and the day I had something new introduced to my environment was Friday.... the day I got my new car. I'm thinking it might have been something they used to clean the car with before I picked it up, but it kinda bites that I might be allergic to my car.

Hopefully we'll find out tomorrow ;)