Mindlessness

It was beautiful out today. Well, beautiful for October in MI. Temps close to 70, sunny, a light breeze... I didn't even have to wear a coat to work this afternoon. For the most part, I didn't even mind going in on my day off, and going in early on my day off.... *pouts*

Despite the weather, and things being nice for the day, I felt like something was wrong. It's one of those things you can't really explain right away. So, of course, I just had to think about it.

I think I figured it out in the end. I feel like I've lost something. I have so much, and I'm happy for all of it, but somethings just not there like it used to be. Is it a physical something? Mental? Spritual? I have no idea. I'm just missing something that I had.

I haven't felt like this for a while. I'm just tired... that kind of tired where it feels like everything's been drained from your body and you just.... you just want it back...... I want me back. Where did I go?

I need a hug......

Sometimes

Sometimes something happens. Something unexpected that floors you and turns your world upside down. You're not sure if you should tell someone, or keep it to yourself after it's been taken care of. Do they need to know, the others involved? No, mayeb not... and yes at the same time. It should be his problem to.

It's the something that can change your life. Did you want it? Not really.... but it's not something you can go back and change, no matter how much you wish you could. So the question now is, what happens next?

Sometimes, you just need a warm glass of tea and some drugs..... very stong drugs.

Yes, I have been drinking

I don't care.

No, really... I don't.

Not caring is what I do, and I normally do it quite well. I've found that I can turn off my emotions if need be, covering myself in a cozy layer of apathy and indifference that keeps me safe. I've been doing it for years because, lets face it, one can only get hurt so much before they start to really just not care. I don't form new attachments easily. I keep the new people I met as arms length. If I do that, there's less of a chance I'll get close enough to care when they leave. Above all, I do NOT open up to people, not easily. I either have to have had a lot to drink, or trust you as if you were my other self, both of which I don't do often.

No, I haven't had a very hard life. Compared to other people I know, I've had a pretty good one.... but I always get too attached too fast, and that just leads to pain. I know it's a flaw, but everyone has their defense mechanisms, mine just happens to be cutting people off in a very efficient way.

Is it worth is? In the short term, is might be. I think that I'm keeping myself from getting hurt, so I see it as a positive. In the long term, no, all I'm doing it hurting myself by not getting to know people that I could have as friends or something more for years to come. Can I stop now that I see my problem? Let me put it this way.... remember when you were little, and you bit your nails and wouldn't stop, so your mom put mittens on your hands? Or, better yet, trying not to scratch while you had the chicken pox? Yeah, it's be like that. I've been doing it for so many years that it's become a part of what I do.

Now, normally, I just wouldn't think about what I do, going about my daily activities and keeping everyone just a little bit away. However, I met someone, and this someone had made me think... a lot. Don't ask me how it works, but it just does, and I see it as a good thing. I need to think, it keeps me going after new things and bringing them, unlike people, into my life.

The first step to dealing with a problem you have is confronting it and seeing that you really DO have a problem. Thanks to whatever the frilly dickens I'm drinking, and the wonderful person I've met, I think I got that first part down. All I have to do now is try and unlearn about 5 years of behavior, which will be fun......

Oh, and to the person I met.... stop being so bloody charming. *shakes a fist at you*

Yeah, it's October alright.....

I hate the cold..... I hate it with a violent passion that, if I wasn't almost frozen, might make me all warm and tingly.... but it doesn't. Why? Oh, yeah... cause I'm cold.......

It might not be so bad if I hadn't worked the boat for the past few days and could just stay inside. I'll tell ya what though, work has been interesting.

Yesterday was the start of the cold. I got up and the temp hadn't even hit 30 yet. Ice on my car, the weatherman said it'd be windy and we'd have flurries too. Get to work, locktend and get the boat set up... I can't feel my toes...... go back to the hotel and get changed into my period clothing. Now, I love me job... but I felt like the Stay Puff Marshmallow Woman when I finally got dressed, and here's why.

I was wearing

• figure skater tights
  
• 2 cotton petticoats
• 2 pairs of knee socks
• leather shoes
• a heavy cotton dress, long sleeved
• cotton apron
• wool shawl
• wool coat
• cotton bonnet
• wool gloves

Yup, I was dressed up like a Thanksgiving turkey. Even with all that, I was still cold, because I swear it didn't get over 30/35 degrees with the wind chill, and I was working outside for 4 straight hours in winds up to 30 mph.

The first 2 boat runs we did ok, just having some minor problem with steering and the wind pushing the boat around. However, on the last run, the wind was pushing us around so badly, we did a short run instead of the full length one. Normally, it wouldn't have been a problem..... normally......

For those of you who have no idea what a canal boat is, allow me to sum it up for you. A canal boat is a flat bottomed boat that is about 80 feet long, ours is a little shorter at 60 feet. There are a few different kinds of canal boats, and we have what is called a State Boat, or a canal maintenance boat. Our boat looks kinda like this, just knock off the back cabin and stable, and add a catwalk between the cabins. The boat is pulled by two mules, who are attached to the boat with a very long and heavy rope, called a tow rope. Also, the boat is 12 tons empty, and moves at 4 mph. Ok? Moving on....

So, like I said, we turned the boat around early. We've done the early turn around before, each time it went just fine. This time, not so much. Between the wind pushing us, the odd angle of the boat, and the mules pulling us, the tow rope got stuck between a few loose boards in a retaining wall that had been put in too help keep the two path from eroding. When I say it got stuck, I'm not kidding... it was in there good.

As far as I know, getting stuck like that had never happened before. Since I was the senior staff member on the boat, I was standing up on the front cabin with the pike pole (10-ish foot wood pole with a metal tip on one end), talking to Jake (guy who owns/walks with our mules), and trying to get the rope undone. Molly (one of the awesome boat people ;) ) is on the outside bumper, trying to see if she cam climb onto the bank and get the rope undone.... Jake tries to pop it off by having the mules pull the way the rope was pulled in.... then the other way. Jake gets the rope loose enough to the point where I can grab it and we get it out, go to get on our merry little way, and it gets stuck again.

If we didn't have a boat full of school kids, I would have started cursing. Instead, Molly, Susan and I were explaining the situation and telling people it'd all be ok and we'd be out in a few. By this point, work had gotten out that the boat was stuck, so a small crowd was forming on the tow path as I was talking to Jake. We had the Mill curator, my boss lady, a ranger, a volunteer, a maintenance guy, and a few random people.

Now that we know how to get the rope loose, Jake goes to move the mules to pull it out, but the wind caught the boat and pushes it too far away from the tow path for me too get it out the rest of the way. I end up pushing the boat a little closer and almost getting it out (remember, the boat is 12 tons empty), but I'm still not close enough. Thankfully, Laird pulled the rope out and flipped it over the spot where it got stuck, so we could resume the boat run.

The best part? It started snowing as I was working with the pike pole. No gloves, no hat, , in a strong wind, and it's snowing.

I do have to say though, all of us working together did a great job of getting us out. Susan kept the school kids calm and entertained, Molly got us right back on with the steering once we were free, AND she was willing to try and jump off the boat if needed, and Jake..... we'll never find a better mule tender, cause he knows what he's doing and he does it well.

So, yeah. I hurt today from pushing and pulling the boat more then normal, and I'm still a bit cold from working today, which wasn't as bad as yesterday but it was still hella cold and windy.

I'm just relaxing now... got a blanket over my lap and I'm drinking a little wine.. got some candles burning in my room, giving it a nice cinnamon smell as I wait for someone to call *wink wink*.... yeah, I'll be warm in no time.

I still love my job.

Every now and then...

... there are moments. When these moments happen, all you can do is just let go and wait, wait while the world slows to a beautiful crawl and you're taken away for a little bit. These moments are beautiful, often one of a kind... something that you'll remember for a long time, no matter how small or simple they may seem.

Floodlights in yards flowing through split-rail fences, cutting errie paths on the slowly rolling fog. It's like something out a on old movie, but so much more serene without the music in the background. There's a full moon as well, casting a delightfully pearly glow over all it touches. One of the loveliest things I've seen.

I love full moons, and this one was no exception. It's light danced over the tops of the trees, twinkling off the drops of the early night dew and making all the leaves look like jewels of the most precious kind as the moon trudges slowly along on it's evening walk across the heavens.

There is one thing that comes to mind in this moment, one thing about all others that I wish to do. Take a blanket out to the middle of a field and lay it down as the fog rolls in, and lay on it, staring up at the sky and it's wonders. Watching that effulgent sphere that is the moon, and it's sidekicks the stars as they spin slowly above my head like a chills mobile.

It's just quiet..... no TV, no radio..... all you hear are crickets, the soft hum of traffic in the background.... the smell of burning leaves brings back childhood memories of jumping in piles of leaves, trick or treating with my brothers and parents, sitting on bales of hay as my mom worked in her garden and I made dolls out of grass..... muddy pants and early nights.

The same dew that graces the trees graces me, and brings an end to my perfect little moment. Folding up my blanket I stand and turn my face to the moon, taking in it's cool presence once more before heading back indoors.

There was a moment tonight, one I'll remember for ages. when was the last time you had yours?