Saturday, March 31, 2007

Cars.. no, not the movie



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I HAVE A NEW CAR!!!!!!!

Yup yup. A 2005 Saturn Ion 1. It's the basic model so it's doesn't have power windows, locks, or even a tape deck, but I love it. 5 star crash test rating, working radio, polimer side pannels, and I plan on getting a CD player with detachable face and an iPod hookup so I can have all my tunes with me.

It runs like a dream, I hadn't realized how bad my Prizm had gotten till I test drove some other cars. It amazed me that I got 500 for my trade in.

Letting go of the Prizm (Baby) wasn't easy, she's been with me for 7 years. My aunt got her new in 1994 and sold her to me in 2000. It's the car I took my drivers test in, the car I had when I graduated high school, when I went to Europe, when I dated a few of my biggest mistakes and my strongest love, when I moved... twice... So many many memories were wrapped up in that car.

I'd be lying if I said I didn't kiss the stearing wheel before I left her at the dealership.

They say your first car is like your first love, and in many ways it is. It's the car you'll remember when you talk about your teenage years, the car you'll think about when doing normal things, the car you'll compare all others too.

As much as I loved Baby, and I did, I knew it was time for us to part. A part of her will always be with me, and I don't just mean her antenna which broke off two years ago....

Rest well Baby, I love you!!!!

Baby
~1994-2007~

Tuesday, March 20, 2007

The Quilt

I went to my parents house today. I try and go once a week, just cause I need to visit them once in a while and it's always nice to be around people I love.

My mom handed me a quilt when I was there, and it wasn't just any normal quilt. The one she gave me is the same style of one I grew up with. I almost cried when I got it. This quilt is more to me then just something to keep warm. It's kind of a rite of passage.

The quilt it's modeled after is one that's been with my family since before I was born. It's a simple quilt, blue back and border with a bunch of squares for most of the top. It's quiet and unassuming. looks like something you might find in a store now-a-days.

The original quilt was my grandmothers. Growing up I remember it hanging on the back of the rocking chair in the living room. It was the quilt my mom brought to outdoor concerts, ball games, and picnics. It's the quilt my brothers and I would use to make out forts when we had nerf fights in the house and I'd sit on it in the summer when I read in the backyard.

My mom made this one for me, a nice medium blue for the back and light colored squares at one end flowing into darker ones at the other. Now that I have a place of my own it means a lot to me that my mom made me a quilt like hers. I'm putting it on the back of the couch in the living room of my apartment. If I ever have a family of my own, that's the quilt we'll use for concerts, ball games, fort build, picnics, and anything else we can think of.

It may not be something big, or fancy, or old.... but this quilt means the world to me. I'm going to try my hardest to make one for my daughter if I have one. She'll get it when she moves out and starts her own life. Hopefully it'll mean the same thing to her as it does to me.

This quilt means love... a warm hug from home when I need it, and knowing that someone cares.

Sunday, March 18, 2007

Just another day

I was supposed to be in D.C. this weekend....

It's funny how you never notice how much something gets mentioned until you're deprived of that thing. Everywhere I look there's references to D.C. The anti-war and pro-war demonstrations, Legally Blonde 2 was on last night (the one where she goes to Washington), even the ladies that rented the Manor House for party last night were from D.C

I wanted to go so badly. Spending time with him was the reason, though seeing all the stuff would have been awesome too.

I miss him. I guess it's one of those things you don't miss so much until it's gone.

To make things worse, I left one of my rings at the Manor House. It's a cute little silver and amethyst ring (amethyst is one of my birthstones) that my grandmother gave me. One of the ladies from the party found it and took it to the staff working that night, I left at 5 so I wasn't there. The staff working, instead of setting it aside in 'lost and found' gave it to the lady who rented the room because they thought it belonged to someone in the party.

I have no way to get ahold of this woman. She lives, oddly enough, in D.C. will be heading back there in a few days. My only option at this point is to try and contact her when she gets home and have her mail it to me if she still has it. I say if she still has it because it's a very pretty, and old, ring. The way people are these day someone might have said "Yeah, that's mine." and just taken it, or she could have left it at her mothers.

I'm still not sleeping well and I'm so stressed out that I've had a headache for the past few days. This just adds to all the crap I'm dealing with right now, and I really don't think I can handle anything else going wrong.

I'm gonna go try and make dinner. Here's hoping I don't hurt myself.

Saturday, March 17, 2007

Fuel

With the break-up thing that's going on , I've noticed I have more bad days then good. Today is a bad day.

I'm sitting here at work and thinking about the first time I saw him. He came up the front walk of the Manor and knocked on the door, he was wearing a red sweater and long black coat with jeans. We both smiled and I took him on a tour of the house. When we got to the upstairs he reached into his coat and took out a yellow rose with orange tips on the petals.

I feel like I can't wear anything that I wore that day anymore, like I can't wear anything he said looked good on me.

The last time I saw him was when he dropped me off at the airport to fly home. I was wearing jeans and a white t-shirt that had flowers, vines, and a art-deco lady's face on it. Entwined in the flowers and vines are the words 'Languishing in Love'. Foreshadowing much?

He said he liked the shirt a lot....

I haven't worn it since.

Wednesday, March 14, 2007

Done

Ok... I've had it.

I can't sleep, I can't eat, I can't damn well THINK.

I'm tired, I'm in pain, and I can't make it go away.

I have NEVER felt so sick in my life.

So I'm done. No mare dating, no more sex, no more caring.... emotions hurt too much.

Every single relationship I have ever been in has ended with me getting hurt. I'm always the one left, it's always them and not me.

I'm scared of asking people out, I'm scared of getting close to anyone at all.

In the end, trusting and loving people just allows them to hurt you more.

Spinning on the Sidewalk

I've had a fairly crappy past two weeks.

I know... great way to start a blog!

It's true though.... I'm dealing with the realization that I'm not where I want to be at this point in my life.

I miss school... I miss having a life, not that I had much of one to begin with... I miss so much right now that I can't even list it all.

My judgment has failed me, mt reason has failed me..... I have failed me.

Yeah, it's a bit melodramatic, but I'm allowed.

My jaw is sore from being manipulated back into place. How it got OUT of place I'll never know. My chiropractor said I'm carrying waaaaaay too much stress in my neck and shoulders, I need to relax more. I found out today that my new position at work got cut because of budget issues, so the job I've been working on for almost the past year I won't get.

Adding to all this stress if the fact that a few close friends of mine are separating. I talk to one or both of them each day and I'm trying to help them work things out... Honestly, it's wearing on me a lot.

At 23 my life plan has gone far off of track and I'm trying to right it.

Once I get my taxes sorted out I'll be applying for schools.... mostly Ohio ones since that's where I live :P

I'm going to be reevaluating my work. Is this what I want to do? I've been working for the parks for almost four years and I've gone nowhere in the system. If I'm putting that kind of effort into things, I need to know I'll be getting something back.... like a living wage.

New car is a biggie. I love Baby, but she's 13 at this point and she's been hangin on for the last two years. My '65 Mustang will have to wait for a while, unless I will the Lottery.

Hmmmmmm....... I suppose if all else fails I do have my back-up plan of being the crazy cat lady.


On a happier note, it's warming up. Over 70 for the past two days, and I got to do somethings I sorely miss in winter... walking around without a coat and driving around with the music on and the windows down! It may not be a kick arse song, but 'Sleep to Dream Her' by DMB is an awesome song to drive to on a sunny day.

That's all for now... I'm off to make dinner and watch a movie.

Sunday, March 11, 2007

Sleep

Well, it looks like I have a pinched nerve in my neck and a mildly dislocated jaw.

Don't ask how it happened. The only thing I can think of is that sleep hates me and is trying to kill me in my.... well.... sleep.

Well I'll be damned, it's the perfect plan!!!!

Now, all I have to do is not fall asleep.......







We'll see how that goes.

Tuesday, March 06, 2007

Exploring the Past

I've noticed that as I get older I get more interested in history. It all started when I began working at the Canal Boat and had to do research for developing my first person interpretation.

Now, people who live in Toledo and the surrounding area will tell you it's a rather boring place to be. While that may be true for some, others who know what the city's been through know better ;)

This part of Ohio, as in Lucas county, has been the site of many famous battles;

The Anthony Wayne Trail is named after General "Mad" Anthony Wayne who took his 3000 man strong army ( called the Legion of the United States) up against the 1500 man combined forces of The Indian army which consisted of Blue Jacket's Shawnees and Buckongahelas's Delawares, Miamis led by Little Turtle, Wyandots, Ojibwas, Ottawas, Potawatomis, Mingos, and even some Canadian militia at the Battle of Fallen Timbers. Wayne's battle at Fallen Timbers is often called the “last battle of the American Revolution” and one of the three most important battles in the development of our nation. Supposedly as Wayne made his way from the battle field, he and his troops burned the forest and crops for 50 miles along the Maumee to prevent the Indians from resettling. The road that now runs along that supposed path is the Aforementioned Anthony Wayne Trail.

Perrysburg is named after Commodore Oliver "Hazard" Perry who turned a defeat against the British Navy during the Battle of Lake Erie in 1812 into a decisive victory. On September 9, the British Naval Commander Robert Barclay sailed out of Amherstburg with the intention of unblocking the Lake Erie supply line. He met Oliver Hazard Perry’s squadron at Put-in-Bay the next day.

After almost four hours of intense cannon fire, individual acts of heroism, and much human suffering, the British surrendered. On Perry’s flagship the Lawrence only 20 out of 103 men escaped the engagement without being killed or wounded. The battle ended in unequivocal victory for the Americans. It was the first time in history that an entire British fleet was defeated and captured by the enemy.

Immediately after the battle Perry sat down to scribble the dispatch that became the most-quoted phrase of the war: “We have met the enemy and they are ours.”

Toledo once sat at the edge of something called The Great Black Swamp, which covered a great part of northwest Ohio and bits of Indiana. To quote the City of Perrysburg site...

"40 miles wide and 120 miles long. It was the Great Black Swamp, an oozing mass of water, mud, snakes, wolves, wildcats, biting flies, and clouds of gnats and mosquitoes. It was nearly big enough to cover the entire state of Connecticut.

Water, often up to the belly of a horse, stood on the surface until it evaporated in the hot summer months. When it rained, or thawed in the winter, it was water and muck. Much of the swamp was covered with an almost impenetrable forest of giant oak, sycamore, hickory, walnut, ash, elm, maple and cottonwood trees, except in a few prairie areas where limestone just under the surface would not support timber growth.

Not even native Indians went into the swamp except to hunt, and unless you could follow a blazed trail, it was easy to become hopelessly lost since you could only see but a few yards ahead.

The swamp was created 20,000 years ago when the last glacier retreated."

Because of this swamp, it was almost impossible to get anything through this part of the territory. When Ohio was made a state in 1803 the Ohio Vally area was almost untouched because of the condition and hazards presented and encountered in the quagmire of the swamp. Their first official road laid through the swamp was in 1825, it was finally paved with gravel in 1832. Ditches were dug to drain the land, and the Canal projects were started in the 1820's.

The Miami and Erie Canal, started in 1825 and completed in 1845, was a big part in the development of this part of Ohio. Starting in Toledo, the M&E Canal went all the way to Cincinnati when it was finished, also connecting Lake Erie Indiana by way of the Wabash Extension which ended in Fort Wayne Indiana. The Canal's were booming in the mid 1800's, hauling supplies for the Civil War, giving farmers a way to get their crops out of the fertile Ohio Valley and to market, and even carrying supplies for the thing that would mean the Canal's downfall... the railroads.

Canals couldn't run in the winter and it often took a whole week or longer to travel the length of the M&E. Railroads could go year round, haul more product at a faster rate, and were a far more comfortable mode of transportation. Also, railroads were not limited to following the natural waterways as the canals were. After a major flood in 1913, the M&E Canal was closed for good.


That's just the early history... I focus mainly on 1825 to 1876 when I work on the boat. Things at the Manor House are between 1910 and now, so I get a chance to explore a good part of Ohio's history at work. I get paid to do this ;)

Later in it's history Toledo had Mob issues (Toledo's location between Detroit, New York, and Chicago was perfect for Mob activity), became the 'Auto-parts Capital of the World', suffered between a 50 and 80 percent unemployment rate during the depression, started a zoo that is now among the top 10 in the nation, and is the home of the ever famous Jeep.


Anyway, this whole long post DOES have a point.

Today is one of my days off, and on my days off I tend to think.... a lot.... I said earlier how the older I get the more interested I get in History, but at the same time I also get more unsure about the future.

History is documented. We know it happened and there's all this proof about it. There artifacts and maps and letters... it's something that's solid, unmoving, almost comforting. The future is a cloud of unknowing... and I think I'm afraid of it.

I'm afraid I won't finish school, and if I do that I won't find a job that lets me make a difference in people's lives. I'm afraid I'll never travel again, be bogged down with debt, end up alone... like the creepy cat lady ;)

Why am I writing all of this? Because writing has always been an outlet for me. This blog lets me express myself to no one and everyone at the same time. My experiences aren't unique, and maybe someone will take a look at that and realize they feel the same way. Because this way I have it as a record, because I won't be judged until it's all read...

I always wanted to write something profound, be it for myself or others. I want to make a difference and be able to relate it to others and have then connect with it. I suppose my work with history ties in with all of that... my job is to explain the time periods I work with and help people relate to and understand them.

Maybe exploring the past can help me be more certain about the future and where I'm headed.

Saturday, March 03, 2007

BOAT! Boatboatboatboatboat!

Right... so as one might have guessed, I'm going to be working on the boat again this summer. Another year of working outdoors, in a period 1876 dress, and sunburn because I never remember to put on sunscreen.

So far I know Molly, Shannon, George, Angela, and Patrick will be on the boat too.... and we're hiring new seasonals as well. I am so excited it's not even funny. Well, ok... maybe it is.... but only a little! I need to go shopping for boat shoes, bobby pins, sunblock, knee highs, and something that looks like it'll hold a lot of whiskey.

I think I might expand a little on my first person this year. Yeah, I know Anna is a drunk Irishwoman.... but why is she like that? Well, fun for starters... but I need a good reason. She has a second grade education which is fitting for an immigrant of the time, she cooks, drinks, gambles.. so basically your lower class woman of the period.

Maybe this year I'll have her lighten up on the drinking and give her a better education. My goal for Anna has always been to showcase how life would have been for a poor woman working on the canals in the early Victorian era. So far I think I've done a good job since there weren't many woman doing what we do on the boat in actual canal times. Personally, I think I met that goal and it might be time to move onto something else.

First person in historical interpretation is all about character development ;)

Thursday, March 01, 2007

Love

When we are children, we are taught that True Love is the most wonderful miracle in the world. It's in fairy tales, TV shows, and I'm sure we all know at least one couple who have that perfect love that will last a lifetime. It's magical and wonderful and your lucky if you find your one True Love What the don't tell you in all those fairy tales is that True Love hurts as well. It can be cruel, blinding, and make you think thoughts you never thought you think in you whole life.

Love doesn't consider the problems that race, class, education, or a slew of others things in life. Love is a reaction of one person to another. It doesn't care about any of the above factors that can cause intense amounts of friction in life. Love just is. It's not rational, it doesn't find you the perfect mate and the perfect life.

I thought I had love with my first boyfriend. He was nice, he loved me, and he had what I was looking for at the time. He also broke my heart. After that I had other relationships, most of them lasting only a few weeks of months, and none of them ended well despite that fact that I did love the guys.

In all of the relationship I noticed a trend... none of the guys treated me very well. Sure, they were nice and all.. but they didn't stick around because they wanted something from me that I wouldn't give them. I found one person... One person I actually thought about having a serious relationship with since then.

I will say one thing for love though... True Love or just the normal kind, it IS wonderful when you have it. It teaches you patience and understanding. Right now I'm more patient then I have been my entire life.

Things hurt at the moment, and there's a good chance they'll hurt more later. That's just how life is. Love is illogical and no one can understand why it does the things it does.


Anyway, I'm rambling and it's late.

Later all.

This is...

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This is the Black Cherry Invasion.

Now back to you regularly scheduled programing.